Through a mirror darkly
Travelling is such a blend of inspiration and upheaval. This week, there was too little yoga and too much wine. And perhaps, way too much thinking and conference presentations. Last week when I wrote I was fired up about research. This Sunday, I’m not so sure (see Sunday blog below).
But what a glorious privilege it is to travel, immerse in another place, wander its streets. There was quite a bit of wandering because, in a fit of unfathomable stupidity, I booked a hotel a 25 minute walk away from the conference venue. I fondly imagined I would enjoy a stroll after long days listening to lectures. What really happened was I dialled up quite a few Ubers, then played “where’s Wally” games trying to find the driver. One asked me to “wait on the left side.” I mean, doesn’t that depend which way you’re facing? And don’t ask me to face West because I literally have no idea what that means. Finally I asked the receptionist who directed me to the perfect pick up spot for my last Uber to the conference.
I also walked plenty too - at night as well as during the day, across the bridge over and over, marvelling over the thinnest of thin crests of the new moon. I found a labyrinth just a block away from my unwise choice of hotel location (plus it was, if I’m honest, quite brown in its decor. Not the creative haven I envisaged).
But now, to the Sunday Blog.
Sunday Blog 148 - 11th August 2024
This time last week I was poised on the precipice of three days of conference presentations, already reeling from the impact of trying to process insights from a pre-conference research symposium day.
At the time, I was intensely curious about the possibilities of “researching what we implement, and implementing what we research”. Could this be my next life focus? With my limited attention span, my idea of becoming more serious about research waned as the week lengthened and other subjects crowded in. Even so, research was on my mind.
Then I tuned into an episode of a podcast series I listen to regularly—Family Secrets with Dani Shapiro. Usually she interviews people who have written memoirs about uncovering family secrets. In this case, it was America Journalist Susannah Breslin’s Data Baby: My Life in a Psychological Experiment.
What rivetted me was her description of the moment she realised she was being watched. Aged seven, she had been already part of the experiment for about four years. Her mother signed her over to the 30 year longitudinal study largely to access the childcare. She’d already voiced what her actions had showed—that she no longer wanted to be a mother. So, little Susannah was dropped off each day at this special early childhood centre that was set up with one-way mirrors and hidden areas for the researchers to sit and observe in secret. Children could play or attend classes, all the while being watched. The study aimed to determine if adult personality could be predicted from childhood behaviour.
Seven-year-old Susannah was confronted with the M&M experiment. She was offered sweets, which she declined, even though she was experiencing the post-school hours of ravenous hunger. She wanted to be seen as mature. When the researcher left the room, Susannah lunged for the bowl but knocked it over, scattering the M&Ms across the table. “Not wanting to be caught making a mess, I grabbed candy and stuck it into my mouth. Then suddenly I froze and I could feel my cheeks getting hot. And I looked into this mirror on the opposite wall, and I could see my cheeks were pink, and I just had this sense that there was somebody on the other side of the mirror who was watching me.”
Both her parents were taken up with their research lives and divorced a few years later. Meanwhile, the study seemed to Susannah like “a third parent.” Only it was a completely impassive parent, making no move to support or guide her as she spiralled into problematic drug taking and acting out sexually as a vulnerable young teen.
She reflects on how mistaken was her belief the study was a third parent. “I had offered up my data on a plate to an entity that had consumed it and used it for its own purposes, which were not necessarily aligned.”
Many years after the study ended, Susannah, by now a journalist, visited the school where she had been a lab rat. There was a researcher still working there, and she called out to them, said she was part of the study. “Yeah, we get a lot of you around here.” More adult children in search of their third parent.
And so, one week later, my research zeal is already withering on the vine. Data extraction for non-aligned purposes does not excite me.
Ah well, think of all the time and energy this will save me!